


Drowning in the Sea, Hoping You'll Notice Me

by starcrossedlovers



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 12:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcrossedlovers/pseuds/starcrossedlovers
Summary: His dream of a painless death, a death filled with grace and elegance, was gone now. There was a very special kind of anguish in knowing it was his own fault.





	Drowning in the Sea, Hoping You'll Notice Me

There was no doubt he was on a direct path to tragedy. He had been anticipating it, by all means, but was his fate really inevitable? Was he really about to throw his life away like that—like a fleeting moment of passion in the middle of chaos?

Beautiful, fragrant buds unfurled into blossoming flowers in his throat. He liked them, of course, but always hissed in pain when he felt one of the thorns dig against his lungs with each and every single breath. It’s gotten hard to hide them from Sebastian, the silver petals far too big to swallow them back down like he used to at first. However, his coughs had become obvious by now, and he pitifully remembered how he had to forcefully shove Sebastian out of his room this evening, only to double over in deep pain––spilling his desperate secret on the bed.

His dream of a painless death, a death filled with grace and elegance, was gone now. Ciel had been convinced for a long time that he would simply fall over one sorrowful day, and no one would care, like a doll negligently dropped by a child. He could hear his heart thumping in his ears, and his fingers shook. Heavy sorrow overwhelmed him in a way that he found himself close to hysteria. The boy wasn’t in his right mind, the same name now plaguing him over and over again. _Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian._

Sebastian’s voice, or worse, his touches, would pop up in his memory like poisoned bubbles. It made him miserable, and left him feeling like a prisoner of his own brain. As terrible as it was to live with the condition, there was a very special kind of anguish in knowing it was his own fault. Ciel was never supposed to love his butler—a demon—who surely did not even have a heart, otherwise he would have known to lie when he had to answer Ciel’s question. His tearstained face evolved into a mask of despair, of heartache, and pure passion.

Ciel felt empty, his soul merely a desert filled with his pyramid—or should he rather say, his tomb. There would be no escape. He had lost his beloved. Yet perhaps it had always been supposed to be like this, he wondered. Maybe this was fate punishing him for living the life of a dead person. Ciel remembered reading somewhere that a second sin needs to be committed for the first one to be forgiven. They would cancel each other out, making him taintless again. _Yes, this was it_ , he thought to himself, _this was destiny’s way of making things right._  

“It hurts,” the words poured out of him, cruel and raw, exposing the shameless despair underneath his façade. Ciel didn’t want to die, but a life without Sebastian wasn’t worth living. While he was lying on the bed, he would foolishly call the demon’s name in hopes of hearing footsteps making their way to his room like they used to. But only silence and his quiet whimpers filled the room––and he pitifully started laughing at himself, at his naive hopefulness.

Piercing ends of prickles scratch against the frail skin of his trachea, making him sob like a child. And then the loneliness—it was something that made his entire body shiver.

At the end of each day, Ciel was always sure that he would be able to live one more day, write one more line in his book. But when he woke up this morning, strangely enough, he was absolutely certain that it would be the time to say his last words.

In a short moment of strength coursing through his veins, he rose from his grave and felt how his cheeks were flooded with colour. Ciel lifted his hand to touch it, to feel at least some kind of warmth caused by Sebastian.

And everything burned in sapphire, everything a star. He turned himself in and squeezed his eyes shut. _No turning back now_ , he whispered.

 

“Sebastian, don’t forget me, will you?” the rain repeatedly splattered his words.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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